Friday October 9, 2009 5:12am
President Barack Obama was awakened from a sound sleep this morning to be told he had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
At a hastily called press conference in Bemidji, Minnesota, where he had gone to recalibrate his icy cold stare, former Ambassador to the UN John Bolton said Mr. Obama should “come back in three or four years when he’s actually done something.” He added that, “Peace grows out of the barrel of a gun, to quote somebody whose name escapes me. Peace is nuclear bombs and two million dead at Stalingrad and Kursk. Tell him to call back when he’s shown that kind of commitment to peace.” At his studio in Palm Beach, Florida, where he was eating everybody’s lunch, unofficial Republican spokesmodel Rush Limbaugh said, “The Nobel Committee has suicide-bombed itself. And they don’t even believe in Allah. Do they?”
Saturday October 10, 11am
This morning Herta Muller surprised the literary world by turning down the Nobel Prize for Literature saying, “I don’t speak Dutch.” The committee then awarded the Prize to first runner-up from Hawaii, President Barack Obama for his narrative non-fiction and political satire.
At a hastily called press conference in Slyboro, New York, where he had gone to work on his infuriating smirk, Weekly Standard editor William Kristol said, “First Roumania (I can’t even spell it!), now Kenya. I mean come on. Alfred Nobel was an Englishman for gods sake.”
Monday October 12, 2009 12:22pm.
The Environmental Protection Agency announced today that President Barack Obama has received the highest fuel economy ratings of any American made car (42 highway, 36 city).
At a hastily called press conference in Cranberry Prairie, Ohio, where he was doing some political bogging, Representative John Boehner (R. OH) called for immediate impeachment hearings to investigate the President for conflict of interest saying, “He is the executive in charge of the Cash For Clunkers Program. Republicans want to know how many Americans traded in their gas guzzlers for a Barack Obama 325i with the optional sports package thereby lining the personal pockets of the President of the United States.” Responding for the Democrats, Representative Barney Frank (D. MA) said, “I don’t have a clunker to trade in, but I’d love to pick up four grand on John Boehner.”
Tuesday October, 13th 7:15 am.
The Vatican announced today that Pope Benedict XVI has beatified President Barack Obama. “This is just a preliminary step,” he quipped, “to eventual sainthood.”
Speaking at a hastily called press conference in Bangs, Texas, where he had gone duck hunting with Dick Cheney, neocon pundit Charles Krauthammer accused the Pope of pandering to Kenyan Animists. Then his head exploded. A spokesperson for Kaiser Permanente said Mr. Krauthammer’s medical coverage had been rescinded because of his failure to reveal the former Vice President as a pre-existing condition.
Tuesday October 13th, 5:32 pm.
The Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced today it will be awarding its Irving Thalberg Lifetime Achievement award to President Barack Obama for his body of work in a beloved series of political thrillers that have charmed and terrified the nation.
At a hastily called press conference in La Porte, California, where he was looking for a way out, Governor Arnold Schwarzneggar cried (according to an aide fluent in stage dialects), “Ach Mein Gott! A Tony award for best supporting actor, maybe. An Emmy for ensemble performance possibly. An Obie for whatever the hell they give Obies for, ok. But this is outrageous.”
Immediately following this oddsmakers in Las Vegas adjusted the World Series odds from 5 to 2 Yankees over Phillies to 8 to 7 Obama over Yankees.
Wednesday October 14th, the stroke of Noon.
Today at his press conference in the Rose Garden President Barack Obama ascended bodily into heaven as an angelic choir of cherubim and seraphim sang The Hallelujah chorus from Ben-Hur and peace and brotherhood prevailed throughout the lands and among the peoples of the earth.
At a hastily called press conference in Fairplay, Kentucky,
where he had gone on a fact-finding mission for the Senate Rules Committee,
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R. KY) said, “Let’s see
him pass a healthcare bill from up there.”